Link to my article “Welcome to Douchebag Cafe” on PointsInCase.com.
Welcome to Cafe Douchebag
Link to my article: “Fear Not, Gun Lovers!” on NationalLampoon.com.
Fear Not, Gun Lovers!
Sociopath Dating Questionnaire
Welcome to Socio-Paths, the country’s only dating service dedicated to making love connections exclusively for sociopaths, psychopaths, and full-blown psychotics. Just complete the following questionnaire to get started on your (socio) path to romantic fulfillment.
(1) How many children would you eventually like to have?
- Fewer than 3.
- 3 or more.
- Depends on the black market value of children at the time.
(2) Murder is …
- Always wrong.
- Justified only in instances of self-defense.
- Something I’m ordered to do by my dog.
(3) A perfect first date would have to include …
- Fine cuisine and wine.
- Sparkling conversation and a moonlight stroll.
- A getaway car and gas money.
(4) How do you feel when you see a happy couple holding hands and kissing?
- I get embarrassed and look away.
- I feel happy for them.
- I consult my dog to see if any action needs to be taken.
(5) Complete and total honesty in a romantic relationship is …
- The only way to establish trust.
- The foundation of every successful romance.
- Sorry, I don’t understand the question.
(6) My romantic past is …
- No one’s business but mine.
- Something I’d be willing to share, but only when the time is right.
- Available for purchase on Blu-ray and DVD.
(7) How would your friends and colleagues best describe you?
- Soft-spoken and introverted.
- Confident and gregarious.
- Nauseatingly flatulent and incessantly clad in Viking garb.
(8) What would someone meeting you for the first time find most impressive about you?
- Your impeccable physical appearance and fashion sense.
- Your intellectual prowess.
- Your ability to extinguish candles by executing a maneuver you refer to as “precision urination.”
(9) During a romantic dinner, you suddenly realize that your date has a large glob of food stuck in his or her teeth. What do you do?
- I wouldn’t mention it, because I don’t want to embarrass him or her.
- I let them know as gently as possible so they don’t resent me when they eventually find out.
- I would scream, “Ever heard of chewing, moron?” Then I would make loud snorting and oinking noises until I am asked by management to leave.
(10) In your opinion, what should be included in every thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift?
- Flowers and candy.
- Erotic underwear and scented candles.
- Duct tape, surgical tubing, and an air-tight alibi.