Sociopath Dating Questionnaire

Sociopath Dating Questionnaire

Welcome to Socio-Paths, the country’s only dating service dedicated to making love connections exclusively for sociopaths, psychopaths, and full-blown psychotics. Just complete the following questionnaire to get started on your (socio) path to romantic fulfillment.

(1) How many children would you eventually like to have?

  • Fewer than 3.
  • 3 or more.
  • Depends on the black market value of children at the time.

(2) Murder is …

  • Always wrong.
  • Justified only in instances of self-defense.
  • Something I’m ordered to do by my dog.

(3) A perfect first date would have to include …

  • Fine cuisine and wine.
  • Sparkling conversation and a moonlight stroll.
  • A getaway car and gas money.

(4) How do you feel when you see a happy couple holding hands and kissing?

  • I get embarrassed and look away.
  • I feel happy for them.
  • I consult my dog to see if any action needs to be taken.

(5) Complete and total honesty in a romantic relationship is …

  • The only way to establish trust.
  • The foundation of every successful romance.
  • Sorry, I don’t understand the question.

(6) My romantic past is …

  • No one’s business but mine.
  • Something I’d be willing to share, but only when the time is right.
  • Available for purchase on Blu-ray and DVD.

(7) How would your friends and colleagues best describe you?

  • Soft-spoken and introverted.
  • Confident and gregarious.
  • Nauseatingly flatulent and incessantly clad in Viking garb.

(8) What would someone meeting you for the first time find most impressive about you?

  • Your impeccable physical appearance and fashion sense.
  • Your intellectual prowess.
  • Your ability to extinguish candles by executing a maneuver you refer to as “precision urination.”

(9) During a romantic dinner, you suddenly realize that your date has a large glob of food stuck in his or her teeth. What do you do?

  • I wouldn’t mention it, because I don’t want to embarrass him or her.
  • I let them know as gently as possible so they don’t resent me when they eventually find out.
  • I would scream, “Ever heard of chewing, moron?” Then I would make loud snorting and oinking noises until I am asked by management to leave.

(10) In your opinion, what should be included in every thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift?

  • Flowers and candy.
  • Erotic underwear and scented candles.
  • Duct tape, surgical tubing, and an air-tight alibi.