Welcome to Cafe Douchebag (Points in Case Article)

Link to my article “Welcome to Douchebag Cafe” on PointsInCase.com.

Welcome to Cafe Douchebag



Sociopath Dating Questionnaire

Sociopath Dating Questionnaire

Welcome to Socio-Paths, the country’s only dating service dedicated to making love connections exclusively for sociopaths, psychopaths, and full-blown psychotics. Just complete the following questionnaire to get started on your (socio) path to romantic fulfillment.

(1) How many children would you eventually like to have?

  • Fewer than 3.
  • 3 or more.
  • Depends on the black market value of children at the time.

(2) Murder is …

  • Always wrong.
  • Justified only in instances of self-defense.
  • Something I’m ordered to do by my dog.

(3) A perfect first date would have to include …

  • Fine cuisine and wine.
  • Sparkling conversation and a moonlight stroll.
  • A getaway car and gas money.

(4) How do you feel when you see a happy couple holding hands and kissing?

  • I get embarrassed and look away.
  • I feel happy for them.
  • I consult my dog to see if any action needs to be taken.

(5) Complete and total honesty in a romantic relationship is …

  • The only way to establish trust.
  • The foundation of every successful romance.
  • Sorry, I don’t understand the question.

(6) My romantic past is …

  • No one’s business but mine.
  • Something I’d be willing to share, but only when the time is right.
  • Available for purchase on Blu-ray and DVD.

(7) How would your friends and colleagues best describe you?

  • Soft-spoken and introverted.
  • Confident and gregarious.
  • Nauseatingly flatulent and incessantly clad in Viking garb.

(8) What would someone meeting you for the first time find most impressive about you?

  • Your impeccable physical appearance and fashion sense.
  • Your intellectual prowess.
  • Your ability to extinguish candles by executing a maneuver you refer to as “precision urination.”

(9) During a romantic dinner, you suddenly realize that your date has a large glob of food stuck in his or her teeth. What do you do?

  • I wouldn’t mention it, because I don’t want to embarrass him or her.
  • I let them know as gently as possible so they don’t resent me when they eventually find out.
  • I would scream, “Ever heard of chewing, moron?” Then I would make loud snorting and oinking noises until I am asked by management to leave.

(10) In your opinion, what should be included in every thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift?

  • Flowers and candy.
  • Erotic underwear and scented candles.
  • Duct tape, surgical tubing, and an air-tight alibi.